So, I'll be 30 in less than 36 hours. I've always made light of the idea of having an existential crisis because of a birthday, but I suddenly find myself in that state. The only difference between today and two days from now is that, on some questionnaires, I'll be checking a different age bracket box. But suddenly I find myself thinking of all the goals that I have, over the years, set to "do before I turn 30." Sure, some of them I've reached, I did finally sing "Living On a Prayer" at karaoke. But I feel like I've wasted my time and that I should be in a different place than I am now. I should be more settled, more stable, more sure of things. It's as if, by turning one significant day older, suddenly all these opportunities have past that I will never have another chance at seizing and I should be acting like a real adult. It's ridiculous, of course. I can apply for grad school just as easily at 30 as I could have at 29. Being in debt for one more year isn't the end of the world, especially considering some of the unexpected expenses that came up this past year, and I am chipping away at it. Staying up late and sleeping in late is acceptable behavior when one is in theatre. And I have new goals, long and short term, that I'm happy with. But, damn, turning 30 sucks. And thinking it through logically really doesn't help my emotional upheaval.
Though part of the problem is that sometimes I still feel and act like I'm much younger. I mean, I am sitting here watching reruns of Degrassi: The Next Generation, crying over JT's death and giddy that Sean and Emma are together, for this episode, at least.
If only people would stop saying "oh, you have a BIG birthday coming up!"
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3 comments:
Oh, I KNOW! I'm so sick of people pointing out my own Big Birthday - I wasn't the least bit freaked out about it until everybody started making me feel like I should freak out about it.
So I sympathize with your existential crisis. However, when you're taking stock of your life, please don't forget that there is also a great deal that is right with it. You've got a good job, a good man, and are pretty much the happiest I've ever seen you. Be proud of that.
Sigh, I'm right there with you guys too... So far I've been doing ok at staving off the existential crises, but I've definitely been having the same everyone-else-seems- to-think-this-is-a-big-deal-so-maybe- I-should-too-oh-god-oh-god-oh-god experience...
...'course, in all the taking stock and freaking out, there's one simple truth that keeps me going... no matter what, I'm still not as old as Doug... :)
Excellent point!! And hi Will!
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