Letter to the London Olympic Committee

Dear London 2012 Olympic Committee,

It is obvious from the Beijing Opening Games that the gauntlet has been thrown down and you are screwed, unless you do a "sun never sets on the British Empire" theme and steal other country's heritages. Thus, I have some suggestions for your opening games.

1. Dancing Stonehenge. Ala Dr. Who and the Stones of Blood, I'm thinking some human sized sponge-like creatures who throb with an inner red pulse and, well, dance.

2. Copious beer drinking and pub songs. Lucky you have some Irish and Scottish claim, for they have some great drinking songs! One whole program can be inspired from Robert Burns' John Barleycorn poem. Dancing sheaves of wheat? Go for it! I've done an interpretive dance for far less.

3. Go Green. It's all the rage, and it means you can scale things down, way down, and then say "it's for the environment!" Who can possibly criticize that?

Good luck, London! I'll keep you updated if any other brilliant ideas hit me! A "thank you" is all I ask. And a nominal fee. In Olympic terms.

Love,
Emily

P.S. - To Russia,
Next year, don't steal Hungary's dresses to make shirts out of and perform The Music Man in. Not really Opening Ceremony appropriate.

VPL? VPP!

Visible Panty Lines have been quite the fashion faux paus since the popularity of tight pants. But ladies, I can do you one better. Today I saw a Villiage Person's Package. All too uncomfortably close and in living color. We went to see Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat at the Sondheim Center in Fairfield, with the original Cowboy Villiage Person Randy Jones as the Pharoah. For those of you unfamiliar with the show, the Pharoah is portrayed as Elvis. So Randy was done up in the quintessential white jumpsuit. In boxer briefs underneath. And no support whatsoever. As one of my theatre going companions put it - "you could clearly see he is uncircumsized." I don't know from that, but it was incredibly distracting. And disturbing. Added to that the she-man intern who was "Cher" for the "Go-go-go Joseph" number, and I'm having nightmares for the next week.

The phrase for the week? Dance belt. Dance belt!

ps to those thoughts

I love Designing Women. And it was nothing after Delta Burke left. NOTHING.

thoughts on a Monday night

My doctor has today confirmed that I am, indeed, allergic to the state of Iowa.

The song on Bones tonight, where the car is blowing up, I will always associate with Trainspotting. I love that movie. "It's such a perfect day..."

I was going to review Bohemian Highway Cabernet Sauvignon, but that was two bottles ago, and all I can say is that it's light and slightly fruity, but not too fruity. What kind of fruit, I cannot say. But it was good!

Now we're on Tapena Tempranillo (it's Spanish.) It's spicy, but not too bold. And also slightly sweet, but not too sweet. I get black cherries. And it goes down very smoothly. Yes, I might be a wee bit tipsy right now, but I highly recommend it. Thanks, Schnucks Wine Guy!

Gerard Butler is seriously attractive.


Seriously, look at that. He may pick shitty movies, but he is actually very talented. And very, very attractive. (But his talent does make him more attractive. Except for that one really, really shitty movie he was in. Yes, Shattered, I'm talking to you.)

Whole Foods should charge a tax on anyone who drives an SUV to the store. Doesn't that just seem wrong? Although it does make me totally feel hippier than thou in my tiny high mileage Fit.

Whole Foods carries St. Andre Triple Cream Brie cheaper than your regular grocery store. Worth the trip, seriously. Also, you can get Wensleydale with cranberries. I love cheese.

This flood in Iowa is seriously cramping my Netflix style. Mama needs her DVDs.

Omg, seriously, I believe that red grapefruit juice lowers your cholesterol. I'm too lazy to link to the real studies right now, but Google it, you will see. My cholesterol dropped 31 points and all I changed was I started eating oatmeal in the mornings and drinking grapefruit juice. And it didn't even raise my blood sugar. 100% grapefruit juice, by the way, no sugar added. And it was raisin, walnut and date oatmeal. Made with 1% milk. It's actually yummy.

Hey, Dave? Thanks for being a close friend even though I'm a really shitty friend sometimes. You are totally Shupershtore.

I am so glad I'm not in Iowa right now.

Stan Winston, we salute thee

Stan Winston, creator of the creatures from Alien, Predator, Terminator, Jurassic Park and Congo passed away yesterday. I admired the man greatly, and not just because he had a hand in The Star Wars Holiday Special, but also because he went to UVA. The first Virginia Film Festival that I took part in had Stan Winston as a guest, and I will never forget sitting up in the booth and watching him introduce a movie. He talked about how he used the scare the crap out of his kids when they were little, because he would test his creations on them.

Interesting Wikipedia fact - Stan Winston was the second special effects artist to receive a star on the Hollywood walk of fame. (Dennis Muren was the first. Shout out for the original Battlestar Galactica and Willow!)

And...What the heck?! Are you freaking kidding me?! Stan Winston sculpting the head of Davros of the Daleks from Doctor Who?! My first and all time favorite science fiction television show?! Are there even enough question marks and exclamation points in the world to express the awesomeness of this?!

So Stan, I raise my glass to you. Thanks for all the nightmares!

um, what, Netflix?

I love my Netflix. And usually, when I add one thing to my Netflix, I will spend the next many minutes following it from suggestion to suggestion and adding several other things to my Netflix. Sometimes, it suggests things that I've already seen and I go ahead and rate them accordingly. Sometimes, I log onto the Netflix just to rate things! I love the entire process. But it threw me for a loop tonight. Because I loved Amadeus, Fargo and Moonstruck, it thinks I will love To Kill a Mockingbird.

Um, how does that logic go?

Yes, I do love to Kill a Mockingbird. My all time favorite book and one of my favorite movies, yes. Stuck on a desert island? Give me Mockingbird! In fact, that book inspired by adolescent short stories, my desire to write, and my fascination with Southern Gothic anything. But to follow Fargo and Moonstruck there? I'm a bit confused. Moonstruck is a romantic comedy. Yeah, it has dark moments, why do you think I love it? But Mockingbird - there ain't no romantic comedy there. Amusing moments, yes, but Atticus and Miss Maudie don't bump into each other fighting over a taxi cab and follow it up with dinner, do they? And Fargo? Fargo is, well...it isn't related to Mockingbird in any sense. Boo Radley never chopped anyone up in the wood chipper, now, did he?

Here's the thing, though - their logic doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but they are right. I DO love me some To Kill a Mockingbird.

Oh, you!! (insert wagging my finger at Netflix in a bemused manner.)

Dave made my day

Technically, Dave made my day yesterday. Yesterday was a long, not so great day. And while I am not prone to watching you tube videos, even when sent to me by reliable sources, when Dave says "hammock up!" and sends you this, you go.



The first time I was introduced to the Bananaphone song, it was sung by little cartoon critters. Little skunks or gophers or something. Marmots, mayhaps. Anyhoo, Dave knows how much I love the bananas. They are natural antidepressants, they help relieve muscle soreness if you eat them before or after working out, they help prevent charlie horses, and they help lower your blood pressure. Plus they are yellow. And, let's face it, phallic. Anyhow, love bananas, love the song. And apparently avid you tubers have placed many a video to this song. There are at least two Harry Potter versions, one of which is awesome just because they have Dumbledore going "boop boop be doop."

But thank you, Dave. Not least of all because I am in the Middle-of-nowhere, Iowa and have no air conditioning at the moment. I needed that.